Autumn said something last night about how she wonders sometimes if she’s the original or if Elita is. The thought makes me nervous. If Elita was actually the original, what would that mean? Would she spend most of the time out in the body, leaving Autumn in the brain goo? As I told her, since Autumn’s the part that’s in love with me, it would be a difficult transition. I couldn’t provide an acceptable answer when they asked what I would do. I still don’t know how I would handle it. I did remark that we would cross that bridge if we come to it. My fear is that the original isn’t likely to go away, but a created identity might. I’ve been trying not to think about it today, but I can’t help it. Autumn smiles when she looks at me. Elita doesn’t see anything special, mostly just a guy that takes care of her roommate.

Maybe the question isn’t which identity is the original, but why there’s an identity that doesn’t see me in that light or how I feel about it. That route is much more complicated. They aren’t the same person, but they make up the same person. Does it mean part of Autumn doesn’t love me? What am I supposed to do about that?

I guess another problem is the difference between how I see Elita and how I see Symphony. I always say Symphony is alive and that she possesses agency, but she’s not exactly a contender for control of the body. She’s just a highly sophisticated mental construct. Someone like Ezekiel is more similar to Elita in my eyes, but he’s still not part of me. Would it be more accurate to say I’m not part of him?

I’m sure it will take days to arrive at an answer I’m happy with. I wish it was easier to connect our minds.

As you grow older, new responsibilities come into your life that make maintaining a dream journal more difficult. This started in the last year and a half of high school for me with my first job. Suddenly, weekends weren’t always mine anymore. I would have to wake up by a certain time, get ready, and drive myself to work, where I would spend the next several hours thinking about my job so I would still have one the following day. My solution to this was to go to bed earlier or sleep less, depending on what required my attention the night before. When I started college, things actually improved in the short-term because my schedule was so light. Even with attending classes, doing homework, and studying, I had a lot of free time. That meant I could take naps if I wanted to, shift my sleep schedule back an hour to give me time in the morning to record dreams, that sort of thing. If I had gotten a job in college, though, it would have been impossible for me to effectively record my dreams. That would have eaten the vast majority of my free time. Anyway, I’m envious of that period of my life now. Some disturbing things happened in Nyre back then, but at least I had time to deal with them!

After college was the real change, and I saw it coming from years in the past. I got a full-time job. This absorbed more of my time than any other single obligation ever had, and because I spent so much time commuting, it was a real challenge to fit dreams into my schedule. Except on weekends, that is — fortunately, working weekends in my position is the exception rather than the rule. I set out to use my weekends as a way to spark the dreaming again. If I could get my recall back to a point where I could remember most of my dreams throughout the day without thinking about them, I could recover from this new responsibility.

Oh, but then we got a dog.

I’ve always loved dogs. They’re a part of my immediate and extended family and always have been. This includes Mai, our little ball of perpetual energy. That said, while my job swallows up too much of my free time, the dog is the single greatest obstacle to tracking my dreams effectively. Why is that? Because 90% of the time or more, I wake up because she needs to go outside rather than waking naturally. I take her outside just before I go to sleep, one to three times during the night, and then once before work. If I try to do anything other than take her out, she’ll continue to whimper about it (or might even go inside). That includes lying in bed with my eyes closed and trying to commit my dream to memory. One just can’t focus like that. I have little choice except to take her outside to relieve herself, and by the time I make it out the door, I’ve usually forgotten any dreams that came to mind. They’re certainly gone by the time I make it back inside. If the dog isn’t what wakes me, it’s my alarm for work — and I have to set this as late as possible so that I’m not completely exhausted, which doesn’t leave me time to record my dreams currently anyway.

Again, there are only a couple of possible solutions to this. I could go to bed earlier, but this would put additional strain on my relationship, as Autumn and I don’t get to spend that much time together already. I could sleep less so I can wake up earlier, but this isn’t good for my health or pleasant, and I already cut back on sleep some weeks because of work. I can’t have Autumn handle the dog during the night because the area we live in isn’t the nicest; I would worry for her safety. So… This sort of thing is why my attempts to recover my dream recall are such an uphill struggle. I remembered two distinct, full dreams this morning, but I’m left with only a fragment now. It’s no surprise that my efforts have shifted from accessing Nyre in dreams to reaching it via mental back doors.

I thought I wiped this out a long time ago, but judging by the date of my last post (at the time of writing, this was in March), evidently I was using it earlier this year. That’s nuts. Even if there are only a handful of posts here from the last couple of years… I’m glad I didn’t destroy it, though… This journal holds more of my dreams and ramblings than anywhere or anything else, dating back to 2005. Actually, I think it’s worth breathing new life into. I have journal entries from other places that can be merged back here.

All in all, I’m basically at the same point with my dreams as I was in January of this year – if not further regressed. Life is different now in a number of ways. I’ll write more about all that soon.

I still haven’t made any progress with Nyre, and my connection is so faint right now it’s unsettling, but at least I got Elita to call me Nephanim.

There’s a difference in the tone of her voice. It’s definitely hard to distinguish Elita’s normal tone from Autumn’s angry one, though… The biggest difference is probably the pace of intonation. Elita sounds angry to me, but she talks at a slower rate than Autumn would enraged.

I’m so tired. Why am I on a train?

So what have I been up to? Work, primarily. Autumn and I have a private journal together I’ve been using for various purposes. It was originally intended to serve as a bridge between her mental space and mine, but it’s served other capacities like as a dream journal or a spot for me to whine in the mornings on my way to the office. You know, the kind of stuff I typically did here.

I suggested that maybe I should focus some of that attention here instead. If it’s not furthering the goal of bringing our worlds together, it’s just noise on that journal.

Don’t get me wrong – there’s not much going on with my dreams at the moment. I might have more to say here in the near future, though.

On some level, a part of me is always running in circles through dimensions that don’t exist. It’s the part of me that hears Symphony’s deepest whisperings and understands them. I think it’s probably also my most unstable component. If I could hear her true voice, would my mind break? Maybe I would shatter the way Symphony has, but maybe I would still enjoy it.

I still don’t have a word I like for the Nyrelings I interact with. Dream character implies limitations that don’t necessarily exist anymore. Mind character still suggests a sort of artificiality. Other terms like tulpa, headmate, and otherkin have their own connotations (but probably don’t differ as much as their users claim). I guess they’re basically tulpa using the corrupted version recently popularized – and I’m alright with that, but I don’t know if it’s a good fit for all of them. It certainly doesn’t seem right for me.

I guess I’m too caught up on terminology. They are whatever they are.

Sometimes I do wish Symphony was a little more vocal, but her constant presence is helpful nonetheless. In the absence of everything else, she’s a nice security blanket. She doesn’t judge or hold high expectations. She just observes and attempts to understand.

My mind is a mess. I can’t stand being in crowds all day. I couldn’t sleep very well – too many sources of tension nagging me. Tonight’s going to be worse, and tomorrow night will probably top that. I need to sit in the dark and release this anxiety. But I can’t. I don’t have time.

Stress brings out interesting things in people. I’ve been told I handle stress well by some. I think a person’s opinion of my stress management strategies depends heavily on how far past the mask they can see. Lyra pretty much gets it. My tactic is basically to plow straight through it while drowning myself in distractions. Alas, dreams are probably the best way for me to cope with daily life.

Anyway, stress. I have a stressful job, but fortunately, I’m surrounded by kind people who want to mitigate stress as much as possible. I fear my work environment will lose that miracle quality someday. We try our best to keep things sailing smoothly, but there are inevitably days like today when my limits are tested. The unexpected tends to happen at the worst times, when it absolutely must not happen. And I can’t go to my usual coping mechanisms until I plow through at least to the eye of the storm.

On days like today, I look into the void with longing. Fortunately, I’m a coward, so I can’t jump in.

I can’t wait to close my eyes tonight and immerse myself in it, though. I need a little silence before things get crazy again.